Your wife is gone. The funeral is over. Family and friends who brought meals and helped you with the details of the service and aftermath…they’re gone. Your home is too quiet. And you wonder if you will ever find a new normal.
Losing a wife is both different and the same as a woman losing her husband. This is a special article for you, a man, grieving the loss of your wife. Acknowledging these areas of grief—that you may not have considered—can help you face the realities, work through the pain, and move forward little by little. Identify where you feel grief in the areas listed below and where you may need practical help. It helps to know these needs are real and normal.
You’ve lost a wife. She was a companion, a friend, a lover…your heart’s home. She was an integral part of your life, she helped you, and she love you. She will be missed!
You’ve lost your marriage. Being married is to some degree a status. You visited together in other couples’ homes, went out to dinner, did fun activities… It’s different now. Many widowed people find themselves left out of dinner parties and couple events. It can be lonely.
And for years you’ve checked the “married” box on applications…and now you will check “widower.” This is an adjustment! Being married means you belong to someone, and now you are alone. Let us gently remind you that your Savior promised to be with you forever. He is here now.
You’ve lost relationships. In addition to some of your couple friends, you’ve probably lost caregivers and support people who were alongside you and your spouse while your wife needed care, or when you needed breaks from round-the-clock caregiving, or to help with funeral preparations. Now they are gone; the house is empty and oh so quiet. You may feel isolated, but it’s beneficial to be conscious of your need for people. Maybe you just need to be in a crowd and a trip to the grocery store helps you feel a little more alive again. Or maybe you need to talk to a friend who will understand your need to talk or your tears or maybe just time to sit quietly together. Maybe you feel numb and do-less and would appreciate a homemade meal—don’t be shy, ask! Call friends and reach out when you have a need. Often people want to help but don’t want to bother you. Call someone today!
You may have lost your housekeeper and cook! Stereotypically, senior men today did much of the family earning and the wife took on homemaking responsibilities. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know your way around the kitchen and you’ve never done a load of laundry in your life – feel blessed by that wonderful wife who loved and provided a home for you. You have two choices: learn how to do these tasks… or… begin thinking about and inquiring where you might get help with domestic needs like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry…and more. Who knew she did so much! If you don’t have family who can help you navigate your needs, reach out to your church and ask if there is anyone who can help you with home management. There are wonderful agencies and local services who assist elderly individuals with home needs, even though you can be sure they will not do it the way your wife did (be patient with change).
You may feel less financially security. Every married couple has a different way of dividing the chores and responsibilities in a marriage. If your spouse was the one who handled the checkbook, did the yearly tax preparations, and knew where all the important papers are located, this can be an unsettling time! Don’t panic; instead, ask a trusted friend or financial professional for help figuring out and managing your money, expenses, and investments. If you are the executor of your wife’s state and don’t feel like you know enough, get help from your attorney or let that legal entity handle the estate for you.
You’ve lost your purpose. There is nothing as difficult as feeling useless! This is a change of seasons, and many of us hate change. You’ve been faithful for the past years, months, weeks…doing what God’s called you to do: care for your wife. Now she’s gone. What do you do next? What is your purpose for going on, your purpose for living? Treat these next few months—even a year or more—as a time of transition. God will reveal what He has for you to do next; but for now, your job is to work through the grieving process. Your job is to reach out to others for help during this time (you’d want to help them if they were going through a hard time!). That’s enough; grief is hard work.
There is purpose in grieving, and you can find great reward and new meaning down the road. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you move forward…slowly…thoughtfully, as you keep grieving and growing.
An excellent resource: www.GriefShare.org
