Your husband is gone. The funeral is over. Family and friends who helped you get through those first few impossible days don’t come by as often. Your home is too quiet. And you wonder if you will ever find a new normal.
You may be struggling additional losses you haven’t stopped to consider. Acknowledging these areas of grief can help you face the realities, work through the pain, and move forward little by little. Identify where you feel grief in the areas listed below. It helps to know this is normal.
You’ve lost a husband. He was a person, a companion, a friend. He protected you, provided for you, loved you. You could do things together with him. He will be missed!
You’ve lost your marriage. Being married gave you status. For years, you’ve checked the “married” box on applications…and now you will check “widow.” This is an adjustment! Being married means you belong to someone, and now you are alone. You have also lost the security of being married and having someone take care of you; you are on your own. Be reminded that God loves widows and teaches in His Word that they are to be specially provided for and honored.
You’ve lost relationships. Caregivers and support people have come alongside you and your spouse while your husband needed care, or when you needed breaks from round-the-clock caregiving, or to help with funeral preparations. Now they are gone; the house is empty and oh so quiet. The couples you and your husband met for dinner or got together with to play games—they don’t invite you anymore; and if they do, getting together feels awkward. It’s hard! You may feel isolated, but it’s good to be aware of your need for people. Maybe you just need to be in a crowd and a trip to the grocery store helps you feel alive again. Or maybe you need to talk to a friend who will understand your tears or your need to talk or… Maybe you feel numb and do-less and would appreciate a meal made by someone else—ask! Call friends and reach out when you have a need. Often people want to help but don’t want to bother you. Call someone today!
You may have lost various possessions bequeathed by your spouse to loved ones or organizations. While you might miss those things, you have less responsibility—that’s good! Remember that God promises to provide for your every need, even as you are sorting out your assets and liabilities. Find a trusted friend and contact your lawyer for help when you need to work through details and decisions.
You may feel less financially security. When a spouse dies, you are typically reduced to only one social security payment, whosever is greater. You may also lose tax deductions. You may lose other benefits that were assigned to just your spouse. Perhaps some of your income came from property that was bequeathed to others. Don’t panic; instead, ask a trusted friend or financial professional for help managing your money and expenses.
You’ve lost your purpose. There is nothing as difficult as feeling useless! This is a change of seasons, and many of us hate change. You’ve been faithful for the past years, months, weeks…doing what God’s called you to do: care for your husband. Now he’s gone. What do you do next? What is your purpose for going on, your purpose for living? Treat these next few months—even a year or more—as a time of transition. God will reveal what He has for you to do next; but for now, your job is to work through the grieving process. Your job is to reach out to others for help during this time (you’d want to help them if they were going through a hard time!). That’s enough; grief is hard work.
There is purpose in grieving, and you can find great reward and new meaning down the road. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you move forward…slowly…thoughtfully, as you keep grieving and growing.
An excellent resource: www.GriefShare.org
